As parents and children across the country begin preparing for ‘Back to School,” kids are feeling nervous about which of their friends (if any) they will be paired up with in their new classrooms and how much homework they’ll face, while parents worry about the safety of their children and if they will become the target of bullying. Right now, before school begins, is a great time to sit down and talk to your kids about bullies and how to manage them should it become an issue.

A decade ago, we could probably still tell kids to “fight back” in bullying situations. But with “zero tolerance” policies in all of the schools these days, if you teach your child to “stick up for himself,” meaning “fight back,” then when the inevitable conflict happens between your child and the bully, they will BOTH be punished. If the confrontation happens at school, it does not matter who started it, or what was done to whom, BOTH kids are expelled immediately. So, in this day and age, you cannot teach your kids to “fight back.”

There is only one sure-fire way to keep your children away from aggressive kids: sit down and have a discussion about what to do when someone mistreats them and then ask that they tell you each time they practice that behavior. Here’s an idea of what to say to them, but do it in your own words of course: “as soon as someone hurts you with their words or their bodies, you need to immediately stop looking at them, turn around, walk away and do not say anything. The message you want a bully to get loud and clear is that you will not have any kind of relationship with them when they treat you this way.” Explain to your children that this is a form of torture for the bully kid. When anyone feels totally alone and ignored, it forces them to figure out how to behave differently so that they can get interaction back. And remember that we all crave that attachment or connections to others!

At the end of this discussion, tell your children, in these exact words, “you should be so proud of yourself because you now know exactly what to do when someone treats you badly!” This will encourage them to “own” their response to other kids and help build their confidence. Remember that self-worth comes from knowing how to handle social, emotional situations. So continue educating your children on what to do when stuff like this happens and it will empower their confidence. Keep introducing your kids to groups so that they can practice social skills, and keep having kids over. A bully will always look for someone to interact with who doesn’t know exactly what to do when they are cruel to them. Kids who are armed with knowledge discourage bullying from continuing.

Lastly, if you observe your children being bullied outside of school and the bully’s parents did not see the event, or are not doing anything about it, it’s okay to tell the child that the behavior is not welcomed and that if it is continued, you intend to involve his/her parents.

I wish you the best in dealing with this sad reality of growing up. Feel free to contact me for telephone coaching if these tips do not resolve your bullying dilemma. Dr. Ann