Does your child manipulate you? Do you ever feel like your child’s in charge and not you? If you answered “yes,” then you’re just like every other parent! But, even though you feel manipulated by your child, you may be surprised to learn that kids do a lot less manipulative behavior than you think.

All parents believe that their kids are smart (high I.Q.), myself included, so the logical conclusion becomes, “if my children are smart, they must know what I’m telling them to do or what is expected from them, right?” And then we believe that because our children are not complying with what we want, it’s because they are deliberately trying to manipulate us to get their own way. Or we sometimes think that our children are just plain stubborn, strong-willed or defiant.

The reality is that the manner in which children’s brains develop dictates their behavior. First of all, a child’s emotional brain is the most powerful part of the brain, so whatever they think and feel like doing at the moment is what they are most driven to do, even if it might get them into trouble with their parents. Secondly, the part of their brain that regulates their behavior is the last to develop. This part of the brain makes it possible for children to say to themselves, “I’d better not do that or I’ll get in trouble.” In fact, this part of the brain is not functioning at its highest level until the age of 25!

So what’s a parent to do: just let their kids take control until their brains fully develop? Absolutely not! But, at the same time, don’t make assumptions about what your child can do without understanding what they are capable of comprehending and reacting to. If your child doesn’t seem to be listening to you, remember to really observe where and when your child does listen. Be sure to point out their listening and not by sarcastically saying, “see you can listen, why didn’t you do that this morning when I asked you to put on your shoes.” but say instead, “wow you just listened to exactly what I told you to do and you did it, great listening!” Then get closer to your child by saying, “I think I’ll take you to that movie you’ve been wanting to see because you know exactly how to listen.”

This practice will build up the part of the brain that is struggling to regulate behavior. Teaching your child the “how to” of behavior and what they get, namely you, when they do behave, promotes what is called “self-talk,” or the child’s ability to say to himself or herself, “If I listen, I get time and attention from my parents, plus I get to do fun stuff.”

Next time you are tempted to just assume that your child is deliberately getting your goat, remember that children aren’t “little adults:” their brains still have a whole lot of growing to do before they are ABLE to behave.

If you are struggling with what seems like manipulative behavior to you, give me a call. You may also wish to order a copy of  HYPERLINK “http://theparentingdoctor.com/the-children-connection-dvd/” The Child Connection DVD, which addresses these concepts in more detail. Dr. Ann