I AM E-MAILING YOU AS A FATHER OF A 2YR OLD.

WHEN I AM WITH HIM ALONE, HE IS A GOOD TODDLER. HE GIVES ME NO PROBLEMS, DOESNT WHINE OR TANTRUM. BUT WHEN HE IS WITH MY WIFE ALONE OR MY WIFE AND I ARE TOGETHER WITH HIM, HE IS WHINEY AND HAS TANTRUMS WHEN HE DOESN’T GET HIS WAY.

I TELL MY WIFE TO BE MORE STERN WITH HIM AND DISCIPLINE HIM MORE BUT SHE SAYS THAT SHE DOES AND IT DOESNT HELP. WHY IS HE WHINEY AND HAS TANTRUMS WHEN MY WIFE IS AROUND? AS LONG AS SHE IS THERE HE JUST SEEMS TO CHANGE.

Dear Dad,

Thanks for your thoughtful question.  This is VERY normal for a two year old.  I assume his verbal skills are not terrific yet, so he uses his body to express how he feels.  Whining and tantrums are forms of communication, even if they are not very appropriate ones.

Mothers always symbolize NEEDS for children, as biologically kids are wired to associate food/survival with their mom.  With that in mind, that is why kids will escalate their behavior to get attention/connection from their mom anyway they can. 

Dads on the other hand, symbolize trust and taking risks and playing for kids.  So, kids don’t get so desperate for that attention, as it is not a survival attachment, but none the less vital to kids. 

Kids just behave differently with moms and dads to get the attention they crave. If your wife gives their child attention by talking, looking at him or touching him when he communicates with whining and tantrums, that is why the behavior continues.

So here are some solutions…

First and foremost work on verbal skills everyday, by labeling EVERYTHING for your two year old, like say a word for everything you give him and when he tries to say a word or sound look him in the eye and say the word again.

With improving language skills you will see these behaviors fade.

Second, when your son tantrums both you and your wife, let him just have it, if he is not hurting himself or you guys…in other words, just turn your backs and walk away.  When he is done, pick him up and tell him he did a good job of stopping because his arms and legs aren’t moving anymore and his tears are gone.

Third, when he whines just do the same thing, no talking, looking or touching.  You can either distract him or just remove him from behind when he whines. 

But, the key to changing this behavior is both of you paying attention to him when he uses any words and repeating his own words to him.

Sounds like you are a very loving and hardworking Dad.  Keep teaching your son verbal skills, help your wife to only react to him when he is not whining or having a tantrum and you should see changes very soon. 

Keep in touch,  Dr. Ann

Hi Ann!
This is a very heartfelt, although belated, THANK YOU for speaking at our school! I can’t tell you how much the parents enjoyed it!

Just a few days after the engagement I was at a soccer party and heard a DAD sharing with several other families the things he’d learned. Then, this weekend, I was at a party and a mom came up to let me know how much she appreciated hearing you speak and asked if we could get you every month for a “parenting tune-up.” When she spoke up, several people near-by chimed in also about what a great speaker you are and how very much their families benefitted from the information.
Thank you, again and again, for your wonderful presentation!
Pat Busick Smith
Parent Education Chairperson
Harold Ambuehl Elementary School

Hi Dr.  Ann,
I’m afraid to even say it out loud, but I think he may have  come full circle. He said, “This is the most awesome day in Orange County  ever!” He could not wait to go out and run in the rain! I can’t believe it! He  has been doing great with the weather. He has been outside for all activities  since the day you came to observe and continues to move forward. You deserve  all of the credit. Ever since you consulted with us and provided us with the  proper tools, things have improved dramatically…and I thank you very  much!

• I love the way you teach/present-your heart/warmth comes through
• Energetic and passionate. Engaging, personable, very easy to understand
• Really support’s PAT’s strength model
•  Awesome to listen to
• Wonderful info to share with parents
•  Learned a lot of different outlooks

There is no adequate way to tell you about the strong impact you’ve had on myself and my children. Your knowledge, honesty and humor normalized my feelings about parenting. Anytime I find myself stuck on the problem with my kids, I just ask myself, “What would ‘The Parenting Doctor’ say?

Thank you for being a strong voice of reason to all parents!

Swinging my child at the park became a defining moment in my life. Another mom came up to me and said, “I’ve been watching how beautifully behaved your daughter is, how did you do that?” All I said was “Dr. Ann!” Dr. Ann has been in my life for the past 4 years and she has amazingly effective tips and tools to use as a parent, and, more importantly, they work! I couldn’t image not having her as a resource.

Your wisdom, caring, tenderness and precious knowledge guided us easily through the most challenging and most beautiful roles of our lives. Thanks, Dr. Ann, for your presence in our lives.

Dr. Ann, you have given me the best gift a parent could ask for, you have taught me to trust myself as a mom! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the confidence to enjoy my first year of motherhood!

Dr. Ann saved my life more than once! My two kids were at each other’s throats constantly and Dr. Ann taught me how to get my sanity back! Thanks for giving me my confidence back.