Bragging is one way to deal with feeling Proud, but potentially bragging can get you into trouble. There is a fine line between bragging and just telling someone how you feel about your accomplishments. So, how do we teach our children to deal with feeling proud, without being arrogant, bigheaded, conceited or a show off?
My proudest accomplishment in my life is the creation of my family, from marrying a man I not only love, but respect in every way possible. And to top it all off we have two awesome children together. Plus, I’ve been blessed with a career that has touched children and families and enriched my life beyond belief.
So, all that being said, how do any of us deal with expressing our pride with humility and grace?
I think the first place to start is to teach our children to be proud of themselves. As parents we are proud of our kids and therefore tell them how proud we are of them on a regular basis. But, just as important as affirmation is helping them learn to take ownership of their pride by telling them, “Be proud of yourself!” This simple statement helps them learn what they can do for themselves when they did a great job, rather than just doing good deeds to be noticed by others.
Then once children understand their own pride, teach them how to express it inside and out. Standing tall and smiling are great ways to express this feeling. You can say something like this, “Always start telling someone you’re proud with a whisper and then watch for a smile from the person you told about your pride. Then you two can celebrate together by laughing, clapping & jumping up & down, especially if you’re outside”!
Parents, try to watch for appropriate ways other children express their pride and point that out for your child. Tell them you’ll be watching them to see how and when they show their own pride in an appropriate manner! This way they’ll learn their own special way of feeling proud.
Remember to feel your own sense of pride and pass that along to your kids, Dr. Ann
It’s very tempting when you see your child jumping up and down and screaming inappropriately in church or at story time in the library to say, “Shhhh” or tell them to calm down. But, the reality is they cannot stop the feeling of excited from coming and they have to do something in order to deal with that feeling.
Being excited is a strong, common feeling for all children. But unfortunately children don’t always know how to socially respond to powerful feelings, like excited. So sometimes they deal with these feelings in inappropriate ways. As parents, we need to teach our children exactly what to do when feelings like excited come.
This type of emotional education should go something like this;
First, sit them down in a quiet moment and say, “You know when you’re really glad that something happened or you learn something from a story that makes you want to cheer, that’s called being excited!”
Second, tell your child WHO gets excited. It’s your cousin when he is surprised by a new puppy, it’s you, knowing you get to go to the park with friends, it’s how you (and everyone) feels at their birthday party- because EVERYBODY feels excited! This helps your child understand they are not the only one who gets excited (or any other feeling for that matter). Furthermore, it’s our job as parents, to suggest the behaviors they can do when they feel excited.
Third, kids learn best through play. So play a game with your child, where you pretend you’re going to a party and start jumping up and down for joy. Then tell him that’s a great way to deal with excited when you are at home or at grandma’s house, but if you are in a quiet place when excited comes it will work better to smile and whisper. If your child is resistant, remember to model this yourself when you’re excited to show them how to deal in a different way. Ultimately, you do what you want your child to do!
When your child does show excited in a positive way remember to look at them, touch them and say, “You know exactly how to deal with excited!”
Telling our children to not feel something is second nature, because as parents we want to help them out when they don’t know what to do in certain social situations. But, telling them to ‘not be a feeling’ never works because it’s a biological fact that feelings come whether we want them to or not. So next time the urge to tell your child to not be so excited comes, try instead to help them learn new ways to deal with the feeling!
Keep in touch as I love hearing your stories about how your family is dealing with their feelings, Dr. Ann
Being shy is typical for many young children. By the age of 5 they now have all of their feelings and language acquisition, but unfortunately don’t know ’how to’ socially apply these skills. Therefore, they say or don’t say things at inappropriate times. So as parents it means we have to teach them exactly what to do when feelings come.
This emotional education should go something like this;
First, sit them down in a quiet moment and say, “You know buddy when I’ve been telling you to say ‘hi’ to other kids, etc. and sometimes you either look away or hide behind Mommy that is called shy”.
Second, tell your child WHO gets shy. It’s the grocery store check-out lady, it’s a policeman, it’s Daddy, I even get shy, EVERYBODY has shy! This helps your child understand they are not the only one who gets shy. And it’s our job (as parents) to teach you “what to do” when you feel shy. All shy is…is not knowing what to do when someone comes up to you and says something!
Third, kids learn best through play. So play a game with your child, where you put on a ‘funny hat’ or get on your knees like you are a kid and you say, “Hi I’m Kyle from next door, can we play side-walk chalk together?” Then tell him what he is supposed to say back, “Yes, sit down, here’s some chalk”. Or if he is resistant to do this with you, as the parent, you just need to model this scene for them.
Fourth, and most importantly if they continue to hide behind you and not say anything or do anything appropriate like a “high five” for example, do NOT force your child to do it. Instead, you just step up and model for them (saying hi yourself or give a hi five), ultimately do what you want your child to do! Do not ask them ‘why’ they didn’t say hi or bring up the subject at all afterwards.
In the meantime, when he does say hi to ANYONE, you included (even in the morning when you wake up and your child automatically says hi or when you pick them up from grandma’s house, etc.) you tell your child “great saying hi”.
Telling our children to not feel something is second nature, because as parents we want to help them out when they feel stuck in social situations. But, telling them to ‘not be a feeling’, like shy never works because it’s a biological fact that feelings come whether we want them to or not. So next time the urge comes to tell your child to not be shy, mad or sad try helping them instead by figuring out how to deal with the feeling when it comes!
Keep in touch as comments are always welcome, Dr. Ann
As the excitement of Super Bowl weekend is upon us, I am not just reminded of watching of football, although I am a huge fan, but of what my son and daughter learned through their participation in team sports.
This past weekend my 33 year old son visited and invited 15 of his high school friends over for a BBQ. I looked around our kitchen and saw lifelong friendships that started 25 years ago when they all first met playing team sports. And every holiday my 28 year old daughter has a reunion with her song teammates to share their lives now and remember the experiences they all shared dancing together 10 years ago.
Traditionally some parents think of team sports as a way for their children to achieve recognition or scholarships or just plain popularity. But, there are more profound lessons and benefits from getting involved with a team. Your child doesn’t need to be the ‘best’ or most talented or coordinated on a team to receive these lifelong benefits…
Friends for life
Leadership roles & learning peer group social skills, like cooperation
Confidence in achieving goals
Health and exercise (Click HERE for an easy healthy Super Bowl Snack idea)
As your family enjoys the super bowl, even if it is just to see which commercials they like the best, remember to encourage your child to join a team. It doesn’t have to be the football team; it could be the chess team or spelling team or art team or girl & boy scouts just as long as you give your child the opportunity to experience the benefits of being part of a team.
Enjoy Super Bowl and go Bronco’s…sorry Seattle fans, but University of Denver is my Alma mater!
Most parents believe and say, “My kids know how to push my buttons to manipulate me and that is why they don’t behave for me”! I also hear well-meaning, grandmothers/fathers, mother-in-laws and neighbors reinforce this notion by saying, “He never does that at my house”! This implies of course that the parents are responsible for the child’s inappropriate behavior.
Believe it or not this is not why kids behave inappropriately with their parents and not with others. It’s because their parents unconditionally love them and that makes kids feel safe enough to misbehave. In other words, they feel comfortable enough and are sure enough in the love of their parents to experiment with different behaviors. They know that their parents won’t ever leave them, no matter how troubling their behavior might be.
So parents, have faith the next time your kids seem out of control with you, that you are doing something right and that is allowing your kids to try out different ways of communicating to see how you will react.
Remember when your kids behave appropriately be there to let them know that by telling them you like the way they are talking to you, following the family rules and or treating you and others. And when they pick other, not so appropriate ways to behave, make sure they see you respond to them in a different way. This will help your kids begin to tell the difference between what they get from their parent when they behave in different ways.
For kids, life is all about learning how healthy relationships work by trying out different ways to behave. So, instead of looking for ways to get your kids to stop misbehaving look for ways to teach them what they can do to create a healthy relationship with you, their parent, who they love & adore, Dr. Ann
Before we get into what to do with the mounds of candy kids collect on Halloween each year, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves if our kids seem ready to Trick-or-Treat, or if my child is too old to Trick-or Treat? If your child shows reluctance to participate in Halloween, listen to them. You must respect your child’s scary feelings as they are REAL in their experience. Do not expose your kids to what they perceive as ‘real threats’. Just wait until the next year when they are ready and your whole family holiday experience will be all smiles.
As for older kids, make sure you give safety tips, like don’t eat anything you received trick or treating until you get home where your parents can check it out. As a teenager, if you are not willing to ‘dress up’ you are too old to trick-or-treat.
So lets get back to the age old question…What to do with the candy?
My first suggestion is to introduce the “Candy Fairy”, it worked wonders with my kids when they were young and with countless numbers of my clients that I’ve shared this technique with over the last 35 years. Tell your kids that there are kids who don’t get candy on Halloween (which is the truth) & your family believes “it is more blessed to give than to receive”, so we are going to put most of our candy in a bag for the “candy fairy”. Then, the “candy fairy” will take it to the kids who didn’t get to go trick-or-treating. But before they put their candy it the bag, tell them to “take out a few of their favorite pieces, then fill up that candy bag for the fairy to take to other kids”!
My second suggestion is to help your kids make the connection between what they put into their bodies and how that makes them FEEL. Candy is fun, but empty calories and sugar which can change their behavior and not always for the best. So make sure your kids exercise to burn off energy for better behavior and to get rid of those extra calories. If they want to run from house to house, let them go for it and definitely plan on a family walk the next day!
Almost daily parents ask me this question, “How much screen time is too much screen time”? The answer to this question is that time is not the real issue; it’s what a screen does to kids brain and behavior.
Catherine Steiner-Adair, Ed.D. Harvard, interviews over 1,000 kids from the age of 4-18yrs in her new book to understand how technology is affecting their lives socially, emotionally and in their relationships. Her book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood & Family Relationships in the Digital Age says that parents are “not teaching their children how to deal with frustration & boredom”. Instead we sit them in front of a screen to not only entertain them but to keep them from getting bored & or frustrated instead of teaching them how to deal with their real feelings.
For more information about how easy it is to teach your kids how to deal with frustration & boredom, check out the Pocket Full of Feelings website of Ask Dr. Ann either through email@example.com or call (949)637-3482 for a consult.
I highly recommend reading this informative article by Kenneth Barish Ph.D., clinical associate professor of psychology, Cornell University. Check out more of his work on his website www.kennethbarish.com.
I hope you enjoy reading Understanding Children’s Emotions: the Importance of Pride and Shame!
Have a fun and safe Labor day weekend! For more information about teaching your children about their emotions and how to deal with the way then feel visit my Pocket Full of Feelings project.
Traditionally parents spend a lot of time picking out just the right backpack to put their kids essentials in for the first day of school. It needs to be just the right color, have some identifying graphic or favorite character on the back and be the perfect size for all their child’s needs.
The reason parents put all these school supplies in their backpacks are so their children will have all the tools they need to be successful in the classroom. This year I’d like to give you an idea about what should go in that backpack aside from pens, rulers, glue sticks, Kleenex, spiral notebooks, #2 pencils & colored markers.
The addition to your child’s backpack this year should be the tools they need to DEAL with whatever feelings come their way in the classroom and on the playground. Even as parents we might say to ourselves “I wasn’t expecting that to happen today and it threw my whole day off!” Your children have these same feelings and need help from loving adults to know what to do when they are overwhelmed by unpredictable situations that come up on a daily basis.
So, when you send your kids off to school remember to equip them with the essential tools for DEALING with how they are FEELING during school days. For instance, your child might have a tantrum or pout or whine or hit because they feel frustrated (a very dark purple feeling) about getting ready for school as they’ve been on a totally different schedule all summer. Sometimes parents first reaction is to say, “Don’t whine, just hurry up, you don’t want to be late on the very first day of school”! Sound familiar? Instead equip your kids with tools to DEAL with this feeling for a successful day.
Here is how to DEAL with the frustration your kids might have on the first days of school. Parents, when you’re filling that backpack take the opportunity for this teachable moment and…
Tell your kids they might feel frustrated because we have to get up early tomorrow. Did you know that frustration has a color just like all your feelings do and it’s dark purple? Everybody has this feeling and no one knows when it’s going to come, but I’m here to teach you how to deal with this feeling in the best way. The best way is to do something with your hands and/or listen to music.
So, if frustration comes tomorrow at home or at school say to yourself, “I’m frustrated because things aren’t going my way, but I know what to do. I can put my hands in my pockets or grab my fingers and hold them tightly behind my back or put on a feel good song at breakfast or on the way to school until frustration goes away”!
These techniques and tons more are what the Pocket Full of Feelings™ project gives you as a parent. Kinds behave because of the way they feel, the only way to equip kids for successful behavior in school is to teach then what to do when feelings arrive.
Look for more tips each week about how you can teach your kids to DEAL with the way they FEEL for success! Remember “Better Moods equal Better Behavior” – Dr. Ann
Here’s the answer to the #1 question parents have asked me over the last 30 years!
The question is “why is my child behaving this way”? Seems like they are pushing my buttons and I’m at my wits end!
The fact is children behave because of the way they FEEL and they don’t know how to DEAL! So, I developed the Pocket Full of Feelings™ (pff™) Package in order for every family to have easy solutions to the toughest parenting problems.
pff™ gives your kids exactly what they need to DEAL with whatever comes their way! Let Poffer, the wise owl, and his 15 owl buddies, the poff’s, show your family how to understand and positively deal with feelings so that children can feel proud of teh way they behave.
The pff™ Package includes:
Comprehensive Parent Guide
15 Feelings Poff’s
Poffer and his wise ways to deal
Feel and Deal Pocket Guide
Interactive pff™ play pockets
Please take the time to visit our Pocket Full of Feelings™ website to learn more about emotional literacy and the pff™ Package. Bring the gift of emotional literacy home today!
Nick turned 3 in February and he has been wearing underwear since about Sept. He always goes potty in the toilet (standing up – like daddy). He takes the initiative to go by himself or he asks for help. However, he still poops in his pants. He will wait until nap or nighttime when he wears a pull up and then poops.
I had a little toilet on the floor that I thought would be comfortable and stable for him to sit on. He said it did not flush and wanted to go in the big potty. I bought a wonderful contraption from one step ahead that is a sturdy one piece step and small seat so he would feel stable etc. He has gone on the potty before but chooses to go in his pull up or sometimes in his underwear.
We made a big deal when he went on the potty. He will usually hold it and tells me he has put it back in his bottom if I suggest that he go on the potty. I know he probably should have sat down to go pee first but he took to standing up.
I change him with minimal eye contact and communication. He does want to connect at this time but I try not to give attention as I clean him up. I have put the poop in the toilet and shown him and flushed it etc.
He tells me he will poop on the toilet yesterday, tomorrow and when the sun goes down. How do I get him there before he goes to real preschool. He has watched the videos and actually asks to watch them. He is very attached to me but also wants to do things himself like getting and out of the car and try to dress himself etc which I am very patient about.
I have been trying to get Nick to take care of his toileting himself. I tell him he needs to put on his underwear and pants himself after having an accident. He says that mommy needs to do that.
I have left him crying until he has put on his clothes himself then praised him for doing it all by himself. When I tell him to put his clothes back on himself he tries to negotiate with me and asks me to hold one end of his pant elastic and he holds the other while we both pull up. I am thinking I am on to something where he just won’t let go of mommy doing this for him.
I think you are right; he wants you to continue to participate with you on this one. Going poop is much more sophisticated than going pee. It takes more brain power.
The reason he “needs” to go poop in his pull-up or underwear is that both things give him a ‘base’ in order to feel and coordinate his rectal muscles. In other words, he can feel himself go and know when to contract and release those muscles, as opposed to the toilet with nothing underneath him.
He is still rather young and is practicing at this, just like he did when he started to walk, talk, etc. You are on the right track to not ‘help’ him with putting his clothes back on, if he can do it himself.
Also, do not talk at all about NOT going in the toilet, only when he goes do you draw attention it to, but not too big a deal (as that would be like me jumping up and down and clapping every time to get up to go use the restroom…this is a private accomplishment that everyone owns for themselves, not to please others).
Make every toilet attempt he does, be about him doing it “himself”, not you being proud of him, as he needs to feel pride in himself. He needs to own this, as it is his body.
I know how hard this is because you have to do the clean up and it seems as though he is deliberately NOT going. So hang in there, be patience and this will happen.
If you need to talk further just give my office a call at the # below and we can set up a phone consultation.
Hang in there, Dr. Ann
Thank you so much for this advice. We have stopped pushing the issue and he has actually gone poop on the toilet several times since this email. I think that the more he goes and we give him the high five “you did it” the more he will get used to the feeling.
I put Nick to bed last night and then once I was downstairs I heard him running around…I went upstairs and saw that he was in the bathroom. Even though he had a pull up on he got up to go poop. He is totally getting it. I stayed outside until he was done so that I didn’t interrupt and then high fived him back into bed.
Thanks again. Looks like we are going to preschool in September.
Dr. Ann provides a vast library of her life’s work for parents to tap into… for FREE! Check out “Ann’s Answers,” a compilation of solutions to parenting problems. You’ll learn how to identify and find suggestions about remedying child behavior problems for the first year, toddlers, pre-school, elementary and teen issues.