Most parents believe and say, “My kids know how to push my buttons to manipulate me and that is why they don’t behave for me”! I also hear well-meaning, grandmothers/fathers, mother-in-laws and neighbors reinforce this notion by saying, “He never does that at my house”! This implies of course that the parents are responsible for the child’s inappropriate behavior.
Believe it or not this is not why kids behave inappropriately with their parents and not with others. It’s because their parents unconditionally love them and that makes kids feel safe enough to misbehave. In other words, they feel comfortable enough and are sure enough in the love of their parents to experiment with different behaviors. They know that their parents won’t ever leave them, no matter how troubling their behavior might be.
So parents, have faith the next time your kids seem out of control with you, that you are doing something right and that is allowing your kids to try out different ways of communicating to see how you will react.
Remember when your kids behave appropriately be there to let them know that by telling them you like the way they are talking to you, following the family rules and or treating you and others. And when they pick other, not so appropriate ways to behave, make sure they see you respond to them in a different way. This will help your kids begin to tell the difference between what they get from their parent when they behave in different ways.
For kids, life is all about learning how healthy relationships work by trying out different ways to behave. So, instead of looking for ways to get your kids to stop misbehaving look for ways to teach them what they can do to create a healthy relationship with you, their parent, who they love & adore, Dr. Ann
I highly recommend reading this informative article by Kenneth Barish Ph.D., clinical associate professor of psychology, Cornell University. Check out more of his work on his website www.kennethbarish.com.
I hope you enjoy reading Understanding Children’s Emotions: the Importance of Pride and Shame!
Have a fun and safe Labor day weekend! For more information about teaching your children about their emotions and how to deal with the way then feel visit my Pocket Full of Feelings project.
Here’s the answer to the #1 question parents have asked me over the last 30 years!
The question is “why is my child behaving this way”? Seems like they are pushing my buttons and I’m at my wits end!
The fact is children behave because of the way they FEEL and they don’t know how to DEAL! So, I developed the Pocket Full of Feelings™ (pff™) Package in order for every family to have easy solutions to the toughest parenting problems.
pff™ gives your kids exactly what they need to DEAL with whatever comes their way! Let Poffer, the wise owl, and his 15 owl buddies, the poff’s, show your family how to understand and positively deal with feelings so that children can feel proud of teh way they behave.
The pff™ Package includes:
Comprehensive Parent Guide
15 Feelings Poff’s
Poffer and his wise ways to deal
Feel and Deal Pocket Guide
Interactive pff™ play pockets
Please take the time to visit our Pocket Full of Feelings™ website to learn more about emotional literacy and the pff™ Package. Bring the gift of emotional literacy home today!
Ever get up “on the wrong side of the bed” and don’t know why?
At one time or another just about everybody experiences not knowing why they feel the way they do. Kids get even more confused than parents do about their feelings. All kids behaviors are in response to some sort of feeling and most of time kids don’t know what that feeling is or what to do about it. That is why when you ask your kids “why did you do that” they usually say, “I don’t know”. So, how can you help your kids learn about feelings?
Watch Dr. Ann Corwin on A Place of Own KCET- TV – Channel 6 in Los Angeles, CA tomorrow, June 29th at 1:30 p.m. or 4:30 p.m. the Emotional Literacy show (or check local PBS listings in your area) for answers to any questions you might have about how to teach your kids to handle their moods.
Looking forward to your feedback about the show and any questions or comments you might have, Dr. Ann
Fathers should be appreciated all year… not just on one day! While Father’s Day is a tremendous idea, we all need to affirm Dads for their significance every day of the year.
I come from a long line of fantastic fathering men. My grandfathers were both grand fathering me from birth to their deaths. My Dad, in his 80’s, is still fathering me long distance and with just as much love, sincerity and respect as always. My husband has been an awesome father for 28 years. One of the problems with us mothers is that we sometimes spend too much time trying to get the fathers in our lives to mother, instead of just appreciating what fathering does for our children.
Fathers teach two very crucial concepts to children: how to trust themselves and how to take risks! Since men don’t have the same hormonal response as women when their kids move away from them, a familiar scenario often happens. Mom might go out to the park and ask her husband to watch the kids while she goes to the bathroom. When she returns, the kids are playing on the playground equipment, at the furthest point from where her husband is standing. He is in deep conversation with another Dad. Mom’s first response is usually, “why are you not watching the kids, they are way too far away and you weren’t even looking at them when I came out of the bathroom?”
The truth of the matter is, kids can move six times further away from a Dad, as opposed to a Mom, before he has any physical response like that alarm that goes off in Mom’s head saying, “where are the kids?” That does not mean that men love or protect their children any less than a woman. What it does mean is that fathers teach their kids that it is okay to trust your self and take risks.
So Moms, celebrate Father’s Day by valuing what Dad’s give kids!
In deep appreciation of fathers 365 days per year, Dr. Ann Corwin
In celebration of Mother’s Day, I’d like to share a special poem with you that was given to me by a mom that I had been working with earlier this year. She was a new mommy having trouble adjusting to being a stay-at-home-mom after the birth of her second child. She came seeking guidelines in managing her impatience with her children… the same impatience that many of us experience in trying to juggle life’s many demands. In the course of working with her, she found this poem and shared it with me, and today I share it with you as a subtle reminder to slow down and enjoy your precious children.
I bumped into a stranger as he passed by.
“Oh, excuse me, please,” was my reply.
He said, “Please excuse me too.
I wasn’t even watching for you.”
Oh, we were polite – this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said our goodbye.
But at home a different story is told
how we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
my daughter stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked her down.
“Move out of the way!” I said with a frown.
She walked away, her little heart broken.
I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken.
Later that night, wide awake in my bed,
a still, small voice came to me and said,
“While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the children you love, you seem to abuse!
Look upon the kitchen floor,
you’ll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers she brought for you,
she picked them herself – pink, yellow and blue.
She stood quietly, not to spoil the surprise,
and you never saw the tears in her eyes.”
By this time, I felt very small,
and now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by her bed,
“Wake up, sweetheart,” I whispered and said.
“Are these the flowers you picked for me?”
She smiled, “I found ‘em, out by the tree.
I picked ‘em because they’re pretty like you.
I knew that you’d like them – especially the blue.”
I said, “Daughter, I’m sorry how I acted to you today,
No question 10 years ago and no question now that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were both severely mentally unstable teenagers. New perspectives on this horrifying tragedy are emerging. My only hope with any new information the parenting community does get is that all parents try to remember these three points:
#1 Learn what drives your kids behaviors at this age.
#2 Be ready to help your teenagers understand themselves better.
#3 Don’t be afraid to be involved with your teens on every level even when they object!
Teens and toddlers are so much alike it is scary.
Toddlers are like a bull in a china shop, constantly getting into trouble as they experiment with risky behavior on a daily basis. They do behaviors that are dangerous all the time, like running out into the street just because they think it looks fun, so they do it! Young kids are literally driven by their brains to do behaviors that will stimulate their brains. Their actions help their brains grow and this gets them ready to learn in school. So what whatever they think or feel they do without any regard for consequences, because they need to build the branches of their brain!
Teen’s behaviors are based on their brain development too. Only difference is teen’s brains are actually slowing down instead of going full speed ahead like a toddlers. As the teens brain begins to prune itself in order to keep learning it needs stimulation. For example, one of the best ways to stimulate anyone’s brain, young or old is through music. We encourage parents to have their toddlers listen to music to build brainpower. That is the same reason teens listen to music constantly, whether parents think their choice of music is appropriate or not doesn’t seem to matter, because that is how powerful the drive is to stimulate their brains. The ‘rush’ to stimulate a slowing brain becomes overwhelmingly necessary to teens.
Knowing all this can help us make sense out of seemingly senseless behaviors we see in teens. If a toddler runs out into the street and gets hit by a car, no one is their right mind would say they deserved it because they did a dangerous behavior. Or say, they should of known better! We understand that that their brain driven behavior was responsible. And more importantly after this tragedy happened all parents would understand the necessity of teaching toddlers not to run into the street.
We need to apply the same logic to teens. When tragedy strikes don’t point fingers, just remember the brain biology of teens and the importance of education for prevention of tragedy. With prayers for all the losses Columbine, Colorado endured, Dr. Ann
P.S. Look for Dr. Ann in Oregon at The Dalles Wahtonka High School on April 28th talking about this very subject from 6:30-8:30p.m. Entitled, “What’s This Alien Thing called Adolescence? Contact Debby Jones for more information at (541) 506-2673.
These are hard times. Parents stress levels are at an all time high.
Kids feel this tension. Feeling helpless when you cannot keep your kids from acting out or you cannot pay your is normal. Using your body to express how you feel at any age is also normal. Because when you move, you feel better.
But, hitting your kids to get them to stop their behavior may work for the moment, but it will never change their behavior. When you’re at your wit’s end please do move to make yourself feel better about whatever bad situation you are in, but make sure it’s healthy movement. Dance more, run more, walk more, listen to music more and goof-around more!
There are tons of evidence-based reasons why spanking doesn’t work. Here are just a few:
• Study of over 3,000 children where corporal punishment was used the results were kids cheated more, lied more, bullied more, had no conscience about misbehavior, were more deliberately oppositional to their parents and had trouble getting along with their teachers.
• 1,112 kids 4-11 years in the National Survey of Families & Households discovered that regardless of age, race or gender kids that were spanked had increased antisocial behavior and fighting in school 5 years later.
• 1,519 adolescents boys studied showed that if they were hit, as younger children they were much more likely to hit their parents in adolescence.
• A five year study showed that boys who were hit where more likely to physically assault their girlfriends in the following 5 years.
• Kids that had less corporal punishment from their parents had a greater probability having an above average cognitive growth; simply kids are smarter.
• Lastly, in 1998 the American Academy of Pediatrics published “Guidelines for Effective Discipline” that advises parents to avoid spanking because it NEVER changes behavior in their kids.
Not spanking your kids doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discipline them when they are out of line.
Just remember to touch your kids when they are acting the way you want them to! When your kids are not behaving that is not the time to touch them especially in a hurtful way. So look for ways to make physical contact with your kids when you see them being kind to others, listening to you, smiling, and cooperating.
All of us parents, myself included will get through this tough time together, Dr. Ann
HANG IN THERE, YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE!
It is so easy to swat your child when they are seemingly disobedient. ABC TV yesterday reported yet another research study shouting loud and clear that spanking used as a regular punishment has long-term affects on children and their potential for violent behavior.
Please consider the facts. The American Academy of Pediatrics says…
Although most Americans were spanked as children, we now know that it has several important side effects,
It may seem to work at the moment, but it is no more effective in changing behavior than a time-out.
Spanking increases children’s aggression and anger instead of teaching responsibility.
Parents may intend to stay calm but often do not, and regret their actions later.
Because most parents do not want to spank, they are less likely to be consistent.
Spanking makes other consequences less effective, such as those used at childcare or school. Gradually, even spanking loses its impact.
Spanking can lead to physical struggles and even escalate to the point of harming the child.
Children who continue to be spanked are more likely to be depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, approve of and hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence as adults.
These results make sense since spanking teaches the child that causing others pain is justified to control them-even with those they love.
Teaching is the goal of discipline but “disciplinary spanking” teaches hitting to a child. Should we be recommending this type of teaching to parents? No.
Spanking cannot be considered the best method for changing behavior.
So what’s a parent to do? Just remember “The Child Connection” message found on my DVD:
When your kids are being oppositional do NOT CONNECT with them during this behavior by making eye contact, touching and talking. In other words, resist the urge to ‘get in their face’ when they are defying you. Just look away and don’t engage!
This will STOP the behavior. Now, in order to CHANGE the behavior make eye contact, talk and touch your kids when they are doing behaviors you do want them to do over and over again.
Don’t spank just because you shouldn’t, don’t do it because it doesn’t work,
Being the parent of twins can be twice the challenge and at the same time twice the joy. Contrary to popular myth they are not all alike, but can still be double the trouble sometimes for their parents. Here’s one mom’s trouble with her twin boys.
Dear Dr. Ann,
Thank you for your time and expertise during our phone consultation. I can see that teaching my one twin boy, Roberto, to manage his anger and disappointment is going to be a long process, but I think we are on the right track now thanks to you.
So you know both my 6-1/2 year old twin boys are lovable bundles of energy, as they go back and forth between behaving and being naughty all day long.
Breakfast is a good example: Come to breakfast when I call them (behaving) Leave the table several times during the meal (naughty) Eat breakfast and bus their dishes (behaving)Go play without brushing their teeth (naughty)
I give lots of high fives during the times they are behaving. But by the time we get around to the possibility of a reward or losing it, I have several check marks on both the naughty and behaving lists.
On a busy day, it seems we have a long list of naughty behaviors to tie to consequences and a few good behaviors I definitely want to reward. And there may only be time for one reward and one consequence. So do I “read” the list of good behaviors that earned the reward when I award it, and “read” the list of naughty behaviors when they lose a privilege?
I cannot apply any consequences until after school, and in the meantime, dozens of other behaviors (good and bad) have taken place. How do I tie it all together?
Yes, list the ‘good’ behaviors when YOU do stuff with them as a reward. But, no, do not ‘list the naughty’ behaviors. Remember you want as little interaction with them as possible surrounding the ‘naughty’ behaviors. Don’t talk so much about the ‘naughty’ behaviors or give them any kind of relationship when they misbehave.
There is a huge difference between STOPPING a behavior vs. CHANGING a behavior. You will stop naughty behavior with negative consequences, but the only way you change naughty behavior is through showing/teaching your kids that they get a relationship with you when they behave appropriately.
Always remember it is not the ‘things’ (i.e. video games) you give or take away from your kids that teach them how to have respect behaviors, it is your presence in their lives.
I read a very similiar situation on your site and wondered if you might be able to help with our 2 year old who is waking quite frequently now that we have a new baby.
Amelia took a long time to start to sleep through the night, around 15 months, and was consistent until we had our new baby, Anna, who is now 4 months old. Now she frequently wakes up, requesting to have juice, change pull-up, change PJs, have a hug/kiss, anything.
I have always been the one to do the bedtime routine with Amelia, and in the past have stayed in the room until she falls asleep. I have been trying to stand outside the door now until she falls asleep thinking if she goes to sleep without me in the room maybe she won’t call out for me when she wakes.
She seems to do okay with this after walking her back to bed 3-5x. But there has been no change in the night waking. I try to keep contact short, but usually she already has the pull-up off if she wants to change it or same with the PJs.
It becomes a very tiresome process, and as the other parent mentioned it’s ironic that I am sleep-deprived now because of my 2 year old and not my 4 month old. I have thought about removing myself from the bedtime routine completely and having daddy do it, but she is really against daddy doing much for her and I feel this might actually make things worse or want mommy more. Any ideaswould be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Kim
Thanks for your thoughtful e-mail about night waking. The reason that Amelia is waking after the new baby came is because she feels like she needs to check to make sure you and your husband are still there.
When you tell your child that the new baby is coming, they have no idea that the baby will stay and after it does, they worry that they will disappear just as quickly as the baby appeared.
So the answer is to play ‘hide and go seek’ and ‘peek-a-boo’ constantly during the day. This helps them understand that even if I cannot see my parents they still exist.
When you initially first hide say something like this, “I cannot see my Amelia, but she will always be my only little girl named Amelia who is”…then describe her physically.
Believe it or not it helps her know she cannot be replaced. You and I know that is a ridiculous thought that you would leave her, but it is real to her.
Be sure she has a sleep ‘lovey’, like a blanket, stuffed animal, so she knows she will be OK when you and your husband are not there for her…namely, when she is asleep. Tell her during the day that it WILL help her sleep and what to do with it specifically when she wakes.
Like hugging her ‘lovey’ and closing her eyes if she wakes. Tell her also that wake up time is always when she see mommie or daddies face at her door and when you go night-night, that means your feet do not touch the floor. These specifics help her know what to do in the night.
When she does wake in the night, never talk to her, touch her as little as possible (if you pick her up, do it from behind) and do not look at her. All this will help her know that she will get no piece of you in the night time.
WHEN she does sleep through go ahead and act like she won the lottery and spend more time with her the following day and tell her why…say, “let’s play dolls together, because you know exactly how to sleep with your feet on the bed and your eyes not opening until you see mommie and daddies face at your door”!
You are obviously a loving and hard working parent. Keep up the good work,