Success Magazine December ‘08 issue published article by Dr. Ann
I never imagined I would be published in the same magazine as Rachael Ray. SUCCESS.COM magazine just released their dynamic December issue.
In there you will find just about anything your heart desires in terms of being successful in your life, including my article below…
Two Principles for Success with Your Kids
Today’s parents have to juggle work, childcare, carpools, play dates, and on and on. The debate is never-ending when it comes to quality vs. quantity time with children.
But relationships with children don’t happen because parents spend more time with their kids or give them more attention when they are together. I hear parents say all the time, “But I give them S00000 much attention; I am there all the time. So why do my kids misbehave?”
The answer to successful parenting and marriages comes from knowing how healthy relationships are formed with your children and your spouse. Here are two basic principles for success:
1. Understand the power of modeling.
2. Learn the profound need for attachment.
Let’s talk first about the power of modeling.
A distressed mother of a 2 1/2-year-old asked me to help her understand her child’s bizarre behavior. Her daughter was constantly licking her index finger, which was raw, sore and bleeding most of the time. Mom’s first stop for help was her pediatrician. He prescribed some icky-tasting medication to apply to her finger to deter licking. The foul taste didn’t seem to matter, as she kept on licking. So she contacted me to figure out why she was licking her finger and how to help her stop hurting herself.
As I arrived to observe mother and daughter I started to ask Mom about her daily routine. Mom described a typical day of preparing meals, dressing, playing, reading, etc, Then Mom interjected that she loved to read, particularly mysteries. Because of her hectic schedule and numerous interruptions during the day, Mom said she would turn one page and put it down, picking up the book on and off all day,
I began to just watch mother and daughter as though I was a fly on the wall, saying nothing. Guess what? Every time Mom turns a page in her book, she lifts her index finger to her lips and licks it. About halfway through the day Mom just looked up at me and smiled and said “Bingo:’ This child was modeling her mom throughout the day, and Mom of course never intended to have her child copy her behavior.
As a remedy, Mom stopped licking her index finger to turn pages. And every time her child used her index finger to do anything other than licking (like picking up finger food or pointing her finger) Mom gave her lots of attachment about using that finger appropriately.
“Actions speak louder than words.” This well-known phrase defines parenting. Your kids learn how to haw their first relationship by watching their own parents’ relationship and by having a relationship with each of their parents. So watch yourself, don’t judge yourself as a parent and think about whether you want your kids to behave like you do. If your answer is yes, then you are on the right track.
Sometimes young children will try to choose favorites or demand one parent over the other, especially if one gets home from work first or is home more often. The child may say, “I want Mommy to put me to bed” or, “I want Daddy to pick me up.” This is one or the perfect times to model for your kids what a healthy, loving relation ship looks like.
When your child grabs Mommy and pushes Daddy away, that is Mom’s cue to grab Daddy and hug and kiss Dad and say, “Mommy comes with Daddy. If you want Mommy you always get Daddy too!” so your child understands that your spouse is part of the family package. Kids watch and learn that a relationship means loving each other- not preferring one over another.
The second profound principle is attachment, or a child’s innate need for connection with a parent to guide the child into healthy behaviors for good relationships. The three most powerful connecting tools of attachment are eye contact, touching and talking. Using these “connectors” at the right time and in the right place is how relationships keep going. From the first moment of life, every child seeks the face of their parent, driven toward this relationship for survival. There is no more powerful reward than a parent’s attention and no more powerful consequence than the lack of it.
Parents tend to believe incorrectly that taking away or giving “things” changes children’s behavior. It’s not the place you take your kids; it’s your face that matters. Because if giving “things” made for the best kids, all you’d have to do is save your money now and buy them a two-scater Mercedes when they are 16 and they’d be the best-behaved kids around. We all know that doesn’t work.
Parents’ intuitive sense is to get into their kids’ faces when they do something wrong, and talk to them about it over and over again even after it’s over. All this teaches your child is that when they misbehave they get a piece of their parents’ attention. Even if it’s a frown or raised voice. Picture this:
Your child misbehaves, so you take him by the hand, speak to him about what he just did wrong, and ask him to look you “right in the eyes” so you know he’s “really listening.” Ring any bells? Guess what-you just used the three most powerful tools of attachment and unintentionally reinforced what you had hoped to discourage. Successful parenting is doing just the opposite. Parents and partners (spouses) need a new intuition.
This new intuition is as simple as remembering that when your kids or your spouse behaves in a way that you’d like to see again, move closer (attach) with eye contact, touching and talking. When you see behaviors you’re not wild about, move away, by not making eye contact or talking or touching. Finally, after a conflict is over, always move together (reattach), not by talking about the bad behavior, but by talking about the fact that the incident is over and you’ve moved on.
Modeling and attaching (connecting) at the right time makes for healthy families. Every time some well meaning neighbor or relative says to you,
“What a shame you cannot spend more time with your kids,” or you feel personally like you’re not a good enough parent because you are too busy, just remember to model and connect with your kids when you are having the relationship you want with them, and that’s good parenting.